It is never an original thought, never an innovative initiative. The idea always comes from some friend who has an older brother, or someone who is on some sports teams requiring showers post-practice.
The idea is Manscaping.
This word may confuse some female readers but rings true for any male. The root of the word “man” is self explanatory, but the “scaping” part may require some explaining. We liken it unto, landscaping. Explained, the art of sculpting ones outdoor surroundings including both growing and stagnant things for both functional and athstetic purposes. Now we apply that same logic to the male body. We sculpt certain growing parts for both functional and athstetic purposes. There is one particular area that always has a great story or two connected to it, which is the pubic area. This is an evolution by which every young man passes through from his first snip to current practices. I thus state it in evolutionary vernacular to make even more respectable.
Stage 1: We are made aware that we can indeed sculpt or at least cut back the growing hair all over our body. What was once a glorious moment when this hair became visible and proved our maturing manhood, has now become negligible maybe even a nuisance.
Stage 2: We think, it is hair right? So what does mom cut our hair with? Now we are hiding mom’s scissors in our pockets as we walk to the bathroom. Standing over the little bathroom garbage can or in the shower with a spread legged stance bent over for a head-on view, we do the 1,2,3 check. These are mom’s sharp scissors and we are so very careful to check from every possible angle before we even think of snipping. It is a slow and tedious process that yields a very uneven coiffure.
Stage 3: We discover that the men at Norelco are freaking geniuses and are light years ahead of our primitive ways. With one flip on the back of dad’s electric razor pop’s out a mini-electric hair trimmer. But in the words of our very wisest teacher Jerry Seinfield, “sharp metal teeth aren’t what I want around that area.” To which I add sharp metal moving teeth. In the impatient and hardly poised hands of a teenager this hair trimmer causes irritation, razor burn, razor bumps and heaven forbid razor malfunction caused by flesh jamming. In the end it made for a closer more even shave, but we had to make sure dad never caught on.
Stage 4: We started shaving our facial hair by now, some may have demised that a razor made for cutting facial hair may have an equally fantastic effect on the love down below. We were so pleased by how smooth and sleek the quatro left us. We were so very UNpleased when we thought maybe that pore opening shaving cream may help also, only to find that our super sensitive skin down there will burn with the heat of a thermite grenade for days only minutes after application. Still it gave us the best feeling both functionally and athstetically. But those razor bumps never left and with our newly gained STD knowledge from sex-ED class we became super aware how much they looked like a visible case of the clap.
Stage 5: What is the difference between dude razors and chic razors? They look like they may operate in similar manners. These questions required answering; maybe just maybe this is what we have been waiting for our whole manscaping evolutionary lives. The clean and smooth feeling of a Schick razor. The even coiffure of the electric hair trimmer. But magically this pink venus razor gleans away the hair without leaving razor bumps the day afterward. The only down side is having to explain why such an item is hidden behind all the AXE body soap bottles, when your roommates find it.
Dare I predict that when the world falls so far into corruption and blurred gender lines and man is faced with an actual leg-razor designed for men (it will happen) we may find lemonade in this most acidic of lemons. Knowing that we have what our pubic areas always wanted the most.
Authors note: not 100% autobiographical
No comments:
Post a Comment