The big "Big"

I am sitting here, thinking but not sure what I am thinking. I am sitting here feeling but I am not sure what I am feeling. I have just erased like at least four sentences that were meant to explain what I am experiencing right. I just cannot get those feelings to take a form in sentences and phrases. They can’t because they don’t know why they are there and I don’t know either. My feelings have a purpose just like the ones I am feeling right now, but the ones I am feeling right now do not know their purpose. They have found a way into me somehow and now they are just waiting. Their presence there inside me does not make me feel sad nor does it make me happy. I just feel them. They are not telling me what to do they are just waiting for it to happen. They are not pointing me in a direction they are just waiting for me to get going there.
So I sit here and think where did they come from, maybe if I find where they have been and how they got inside me, then I can figure out where they are going and how they want me to work them out. So I think of the things that have happened today and I present them to my feelings and say, is this what brought you in? Is this why you came inside of me? For every memory of the recent events of today, my feelings say no that’s not what let us in, we didn’t come inside you because of that. So I just don’t know what to do with them, I have tried to find out where they came from but they don’t know either. Both they and I do not have any idea what we are going to do with each other. But then I say to the feelings or to me because I am not quite sure who is in charge at this point maybe you are here so I can feel. In an honest moment I can say that I do not feel like I do now, often. To have this big “Big” right inside of me is yet again inexplicable but it is also not ordinary. My feelings scoff at the notion that their presence is there to give me a break from the ordinary, they did not fill me up with whatever they are for such a menial task. My feelings are great and powerful their reasons must also be as such. So I have resigned myself to the belief that these feelings have come to the very core of me, so they could be felt. Where they took me was where I was already. What they helped me do was what I was already doing as I felt them. I say to my feelings thank you for coming and letting me feel what you feel like inside of me. In short thank you for making me feel, and I would like it if you came back again sometime.